6:00am: My alarm goes off.
6:05am: My second alarm goes off.
6:15am: My third alarm goes off.
7:55pm: Upon gazing at my iPhone and seeing it flash “7:55am,” I reluctantly yet immediately sprint out of bed and get in the shower. Five minutes later, I dry myself off, open my underwear drawer and find no clean pairs available. I resort to swimsuit bottoms. It’s not the first time.
8:12am: I pull on my favorite pair of peach-colored skinnies, tuck the ties of my yellow swimsuit underwear safely in the confines of my pants, throw on a chambray shirt and grab a hearty, protein-laden breakfast of plain 2% Greek yogurt, two vegan zucchini brownies, 1 banana + a pouch of sunflower seed butter to eat once I arrive at work.
8:42am: Breakfast time.
8:44am to 9:12am: Interruptions during breakfast time. And by interruptions, I mean I find out Kate Middleton’s wedding dress is no longer on public display (now what am I going to do when I arrive in London in 28 days?!?), listen to Megafaun’s “State/Meant” on repeat and read that Denmark has passed the first fat tax.
9:30am: I finally finish my breakfast and do work. Yes, I have a full-time job for a living.
9:41am: Coffee. I need more coffee.
12:15pm: My stomach begins audibly grumbling, meaning it’s time for one thing: lunch.
12:18pm: Channeling my inner Type A (it’s in there somewhere), I meticulously lay out my lunch so I can take pictures for the blog. It’s weird. I don’t document my daily eats anymore, and in that moment, I realize why: I am not patient enough to take pretty, well-laid out pictures of all the food I consume on a daily basis.
12:19pm: I happily devour a whole wheat naan wrap filled with feta, red onion, yellow pepper, arugula + Italian dressing alongside an apple and my favorite crack combination + spelt pretzels.
I also annoy my co-worker by taking iPhone pictures of him. He’s not happy with me.
12:47pm: Hearing my boss shriek in the next room, I jump out of my chair to check on her and in the process, trip over the bottom drawer on my desk sitting open and fall backwards on the ground, landing square on my right bony buttcheek. #truefact #classy
12:48am: I am still laying on the ground with tears forming in my eyes. I am laughing. I am in pain. Really, I would just like to take a nap on the floor.
5:17pm: I get home from work and boil some water to make a box of Annie’s Mac n’ Cheese.
5:21pm: The faint scent of burning wood permeates the air. Hmmm…yes…that’s definitely smoke…oh shit! I lit the burner underneath my wood cutting board, not the mac n’ cheese pan! And no, I won’t tell you why the cutting board was on the oven in the first place.
5:22pm: Cutting board saved. Water is heating up. All is right with the Everythingtarian world.
I don’t know why I thought showing my ugly feet would be cute in this picture.
5:45pm: I drain my pasta, add the cheese packet, 3 T So Delicious Coconut Milk Beverage, 2 T Earth Balance butter, 1 packet of salmon + two heaping cups of rainbow chard to the pan. Dinner is served alongside my new obsession, flavored sparkling water.
6:30pm: Sweat my arse off for a full 60 minutes of hot yoga. Of course, I unknowingly put my mat down to the extra muscly, extra cute + ONLY guy in the room. Suddenly eating 1/2 pan of those vegan zucchini brownies doesn’t seem like such a good idea from last night…
7:31pm: Leave yoga looking like I peed myself. Like all over myself.
8:00pm: Get home, clean the kitchen, talk to my friend Ilsa for an hour, answer emails, prep some freelance work, chat with Mama E, remember I forgot to send my sister a card for her birthday, eat a zucchini brownie slathered with sunflower seed butter in shame, shower and before I know it, it’s nearly 11:00pm.
10:45pm: Lay in bed, say a thank you prayer that I’m still alive after falling AND nearly setting my oven on fire and then, there’s only one thing left to do: lights out.