This is my life.
I’m sitting on my uncomfortable couch biting my fingernails, fighting back tears and slowly yet meticulously typing this blog post to get each word just right. To explain exactly the feeling that’s pulled up a chair and plunked itself down into my life this week.
This is my life…right here in this moment…at exactly 9:54pm.
And I’m learning to love it. ALL of it.
I find it easy to evaporate into the warmth and ease of life when things are good, disappearing into love and friendship and unbridled smiles spreading contagiously from cheek to cheek.
When I’m having a good hair day and can wake up early enough to catch Saved By the Bell reruns and break cheese moratoriums just two days after making them and my head’s on straight and I’m rapping like a total white girl to Jay-Z in the shower before work and taking pride by investing in me and I’m able to be creative and write and create and be smart with my money and meditate and breathe and exercise and eat kale with ice cream and be so so thankful for the enormously full, bursting-with-good-things life I’ve been given. These things are good…all good.
But I find it can excruciatingly exhausting to love my life when the rhythm is off. When one foot won’t quite step in line with the other and something as innocuous as a paper cut sends me teetering towards the edge of sadness and ceaseless worry and what is this all for?
But I must…you must…we must! We must love life just as fiercely and just as passionately when we’re thrown into the tough stuff as when we’re sitting at happy hour with friends sipping a margarita at 5pm on a Friday. I take that back: we must love it even more.
This my friends is the real deal…the secret of life.
Happiness is a choice.
This I am learning and relearning with every decision and thought and courageous step I take in living my life’s adventure. It’s easy to be positive when life is good…but being positive when things are tough, that’s the real test. It’s eating the banana popsicle with a smile when you really wanted cherry. It’s not getting hired for that job you really wanted but holding faith that it’s because theres’s a bigger and more perfect job out there waiting for you. It’s being short on cash but donating money to Sally Struthers and those African children on TV because you know there are people out there much worse off than you. And remembering this EVERYDAY.
Even as the tears continue to well in my red eyes and the jagged piece of wood jutting out from my couch digs into my back and I look down to discover I’ve bitten off nearly ever fingernail I have, things are still okay. I can still choose to be happy.
I can put the horrible day behind me, get in the kitchen and do some soul-soothing baking.
Tahini Cookies, just in case you were wondering.
Served with a cup of peppermint green tea and two episodes of How I Met Your Mother, thankyouverymuch.
Prep time: 10 minutes
Cook time: 10-12 minutes
1/2 cup honey or agave nectar
1/3 cup tahini (sesame seed paste)
1 t vanilla extract
2 cups rolled oats
3/4 cup dark chocolate chips
1/3 cup roasted + salted sunflower seeds
1 t sea salt
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.
In a large bowl, mix honey, tahini and vanilla until combined. Set aside. In a medium bowl, mix oats, chocolate chips and sunflower seeds. Add the tahini mixture and mix well. The batter will be thick.
Spoon a heaping tablespoon of the batter onto cookie sheet and sprinkle with sea salt. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, or until slightly browned. Or, instead of baking into cookies, you can also make trail mix balls by rolling batter into 1-inch balls and storing in an airtight container.
Makes 24 cookies
**All photos by Stephanie, my friend and the lovely photographer behind Agates + Arrows