I am constantly adding new blogs to my reading rotation…and you can bet your gosh dang bottom Everythingtarian dollar Lindsay is on that list. While there are some things we don’t have in common (*cough* two kids and a husband *cough*), we like to post pictures of us with silly faces, eat underbaked brownies, write lists and make silly, slightly inappropriate jokes. What I mean to say is, go read her blog. Like, now.
* * * * *
Hello Everythingtarians!! You’re a worthwhile bunch and I’m honored that Holly would allow me the mic. Honestly, she must be desperate because I’m quite sure that I wouldn’t hire myself to write a guest post. No? It’s not a paying gig? Crap.
I’ll write something anyways since A) I’m hard to shut up and B) this might just be my one chance at stardom. No? You can’t get famous for guest posting? Crap.
Anyhow, the topic for today, kids, is great ideas with poor execution.
Life seems to be full of these. I imagine that alot of people have the best of intentions and then somehow along the way, they veer off to one side or the other, and a movie like Showgirls is born. Or the Star Wars prequels. Great ideas, poor execution. Tisk tisk, Lucas.
Or like when I thought it would be a great idea to keep a journal of all the cute things that Henry did when he was first-born. Three years later and ONE page has the words, “Henry cooed” written on it. And then…nothing else. Maybe that’s all he did?!? Great idea, poor execution.
Donald Trump’s toupee. McSalad Shakers. The Titanic. All great ideas with horrific end results.
But since the Everythingtarian knows everything about FOOD and I, Lindsay, am a master at making “Lists”, I’m giving you guys a list of my own food ideas gone wrong. So, so, very wrong.
Top Three (out of 46) Cooking Ideas Gone Bad
Traditions mean alot to Travis. He comes from a HUGE family and they still give and receive Christmas presents the same way they did when he was little. Each person gives everyone in the family a gift. That’s alot of dang gifts. Unfortunately for me, that means I have to buy 20 presents for his side of the family alone. They won’t change that tradition either. Believe me, I’m cheap and I’ve tried. And he wants for our children to grow up in a household where they can expect something to happen because it’s a tradition.
So, years ago, before kids, we came up with the tradition of a Thanksgiving hike. What better way to fuel said hike but a nice bowl of hearty, carby oats. Aha! The tradition of Thanksgiving Oats would be born! And our family could look forward to that meal all year long. I scoured the internet for a recipe and found what seemed to be an easy one for Crockpot Oats.
Just FYI: No matter how fancy you try to make them sound, crockpots are ghetto. They were made for lazy housewives like myself. You can’t really screw up any Crockpot recipes, right?!?
Yeah…yeah you can! I put in all of the elements the night before, giddy that I had a solid breakfast planned for the next day. When we arose on that Thanksgiving morn to the aroma of burnt apples and oatmeal, I knew that this was a good idea gone wrong. I’m not sure if I didn’t put in enough water or what, but the oats had melded to the side of the pot, creating a concrete block of food and crockpot.
I think we ended up eating cold cereal or Luna bars. Breakfast was non-exciting and I’m just sure that fellow hikers could sense our disappointment.
Actually, a tradition was born out of that experience. The tradition of never letting Lindsay cook Crockpot Oats again. I’m sure it will last a lifetime.
My dad would tell you that Vegan Pudding is just a bad idea to begin with. I kinda agree. But vegans have to eat and they need their puddings. Earlier this year, we did the Daniel fast at our church. Essentially, you become a no-sugar vegan for 21 days. Fuuuun. Not really. Towards the end of the 21 days, I was becoming quite creative with our meals and getting really tired of calling an apple “dessert”.
I found this recipe for Vegan Pudding. (I’m only including that link because I know some of you have an affinity for faux foods and I’m sure that you guys can rock this recipe!!). The accompanying picture even looks appealing, all creamy and milk-producty.
Mine wasn’t. Maybe I need a VitaMix to blend it better. No nix that…I definitely need a VitaMix. My pudding ended up being seedy and watery. I remember freezing it in an attempt to make it better. I think that just pissed the pudding off even more.
Year-Old Wedding Cake
Begin scene: A couple falls in love, gets married and on their one year wedding anniversary, they open the freezer to pull out their cake topper. Over candle light, with fork in hand, they bite into the cake and are instantly transported back to that fateful day when two became one. (Or in my case, you burned your face with a very hot curling iron, resulting in an oblong “face hickey” for the duration of your honeymoon.) The wedding cake tastes just as fresh as the day you were married. You only wish you’d saved more.
Nope. You wish you could wash the freezer burn off your tongue, blow out the candles and move on to the anniversary sex.
Our cake topper actually wasn’t even given a fair chance. My parent’s deep freezer, which held the cake, broke down one day and the cake thawed just a bit. Then, just to kick it while it was down, we brought the cake with us from North Carolina, back to Denver (where we were living at the time). Then, we put it back in the freezer. Six hours of car and plane transportation did not do that cake any favors. We tried to like it, we really did. But it was an epic fail.
Well, that’s all she wrote. A teeny-tiny glimpse into my food blunders. Thanks for making it through this long essay! And thank you, Holly, for the opportunity to steal your spotlight!
P.S. I just thought of another one. Great idea, poor execution.
The idea: a post about cooking ideas gone bad. Include silly banter and George Lucas jab.
Gone wrong: the post you’ve just read.