Yes, we deserve it.

by Holly on March 3, 2010

in seriousness

It all starts with word vomit.

This morning, while commenting on Susan’s post on her monthly March goals, I started throwing up words.  They began tumbling out in chaotic strings, and it wasn’t until I was finished typing did I realize what had sub-consciously slipped out from the deep caverns of my brain…

“goals are such a funny thing. i like making them but then get totally lazy about completing them. i don’t know if i am scared of success – i mean is that even possible? maybe i don’t think i deserve it? this comment just got really deep and fast, but i think this is something a lot of people struggle with. sometimes i don’t think people think they deserve success – which is why, like me, we make goals only to not finish them. i mean, the blog helps keep me accountable, btu i don’t know.”

And it got me thinking.  Shocker, I know.

After some personal reflection and psycho-analysis by Mama Everythingtarian these past couple days, I know there are many facets of who I am that I want to work on.  I don’t think I’m a bad person by any means.  On the contrary, I actually think I am a good person.  However, if your neighborhood Healthy Everythingtarian is going to be honest with herself, I know I still don’t quite believe I deserve it.

Deserve what, you say? Happiness, success, contentment, love, friendship, pride…all those feel good things that, quite frankly, make life worth living.

When I get a lovely comment, what is my first response to it? Usually to joke or somehow negate the nice things that were said. When a lawyer guy goes out on a date with me, what do I do? Make fun of him the whole time (hello defense mechanism!). When I have a list of goals and things I want to accomplish, do I start checking things off? No, I start making excuses for why they will never happen.

But why?

Why do we do this?

Why do we respond in this way?

First, being the word nerd I am, I went straight to my friend Merriam Webster. I find looking at the definition and meaning of words helps to synthesize things in my brain.  Or at least, that is what I tell myself.

deserve (di-zerv), noun: to be worthy of

Hmmm…but what does worthy mean?

worthy (wer-the), adjective: to have worth or value

If I read these definitions right, I can safely assume that somewhere along life’s path, I lost my sense of personal worth. Whatever thing or person it was (perhaps my sister making me dance to George Michael’s “I Want to Sex You Up”?), I stopped believing in myself.  With it, I also stopped believing I deserved all the good things in life.

What did I do instead?

I tried, just not very hard.

I ate lots, disregarding the effects it was having on my body.

I ignored what I was feeling, hoping it would just go away.

I built up a lovely wall, keeping people out.

For years I did this, and things were fine.  Not great, not bad, just fine.

Over the past couple years, I’ve been working on reversing this mindset. We all go through phases of low and high self-esteem.  That is only natural.  However, this goes deeper.  When you start thinking that you aren’t worthy, it becomes wired into your brain.  Quite frankly, it has become a natural thought process I am not consciously even aware of.  But I’m trying. I’m trying to change that.

I think I’ve got the food thing down – healthifying my diet and taking care of myself was the first step.

Then, I started tackling that wall.  Although it still partially stands, I’m making progress.

I’ve been better about vocalizing how I feel.  Again, not perfect, but getting there.

Lastly however, I still struggle to give things my all.  I have lots of goals, dreams and hopes and yet, I find excuses not to achieve them, which Mama Everythingtarian can vouch for.  I gave her about a zillion excuses last night.  She did not like that. This last piece of the puzzle has turned out to be harder than I thought.

I firmly believe we all deserve everything we want in life – but somehow, I still forget to include myself in that ‘we.’ Why I am my own worst critic is beyond me, but I need to get over it. I have to believe that I am worth it. I have to stop making excuses, stop lamenting about all the things I ‘could’ do and stop letting fear get in the way.

This post is definitely more for me than it is anyone else.  Sometime a gal has got to write things down, and what better than to publish it for the world wide web to see, right?

So, in conclusion, yes, you deserve it.

And, despite my past bad fashion…

…perverted sense of humor…

…love for the dramatic…

…obnoxious amount of hideous faces…

…and all-around ‘specialness’…

…so do I.

{ 63 comments }

Nancy March 4, 2010 at 8:37 pm

I love that you wrote this because although we are working towards transforming our lives by eating healthy and eating healthier, sometimes we tend to forget that our line of thinking has to change as well. I also have a problem when rooting and believing others deserve the best, but having a hard time with it for myself. At least you are aware and working on changing your thought process. Hoorah!

Molly March 5, 2010 at 9:21 am

You are such a beautiful person inside and out. I’ve been MIA from blogs lately too, ugh, so sad! I have some catching up to do, but there’s an email in progress too! LOVE YOU GIRL! Does Mr. Lawyer have a Mr. Lawyer friend? Just throwing that idea out there ;-)

The Brunette March 5, 2010 at 9:34 am

We do all “deserve it.” I think the hardest part is definitely figuring out what “it” is, and I loved reading this post. Made me feel not so alone in my confusion, you know?

Jessica March 5, 2010 at 1:48 pm

Aww HOLLS!!! You do deserve so so much, and more!! Really, you are one of the most giving, thoughtful, caring, hillarriouss gals i’ve ever met! Really. You are just so self-less sometimes! And I love and admire that so much.

I hope you have a fabby weekend in store–whether its supa relaxing or super cray, and I hope we can catch up!!

XOXO

Nicole @ Geek Turned Athlete March 5, 2010 at 3:02 pm

You are amazing! You deserve only the best! And you are absolutely hilarious! I can’t wait to meet you some day!

Faith March 5, 2010 at 6:56 pm

This is a fantastic post, Holly. You said all the things that so SO MANY of us think but don’t have the guts to admit to ourselves, let alone others. Thanks. ;)

Sarah @ THE FOODIE DIARIES March 5, 2010 at 7:57 pm

you, mi amor, are fenomenal. and so was everything you said in this post. i constantly get frustrated with myself because i constantly feel unproductive. there’s an easy fix to my unproductivity, of course, and that’s to stop making excuses. excuses, for me, are a way to justify dilly-dallying and procrastination. at the root of this is exactly what you pointed out: i’m scared to fully dedicate myself to success because full-fledged dedication makes potential failure so much more bitter. gah, you said this all but way more eloquently. basically, we need to embrace our awesomeness and fully dedicate ourselves to harassing the food network/discovery/travel channel til they give us air time, yo!

Jenny March 6, 2010 at 8:44 am

I can relate sooo much to your feelings. It is so true that somewhere along the journey of life, I forgot what it was all about: me. It’s almost that society has programmed us to be sooo modest and humble, that we think it’s “bad” to own it and be proud of who we are. Thank you so much for sharing with such honesty, and thank you for reminding me that we are all indeed worth it :)

Susan March 6, 2010 at 9:50 am

Funny, I have people tell me all the time that I should shoot for these big things, and expect me to be wildly successful someday. But for some reason, I’ve never pictured that for myself. Perhaps it’s because, like you, in some way I never had that sense of self-worth to want to go for it? Verrry interesting. Regardless of all our hopes and dreams, we deserve happiness in this very moment. It doesn’t have to be big and grandiose, but we at least owe it to ourselves to allow happiness come our way. Even if that means stepping out of our comfort zone!

Hope that makes sense. I think I just committed comment vomit as well :P

LindsayRuns March 6, 2010 at 9:02 pm

thanks for stepping out of your comfort zone to write this…for you and all of us who needed the reminder. You are a wonderful person and you deserve every happiness!

elise March 10, 2010 at 12:59 pm

i love you and this post. you hit the nail on the head. why must sarcasm always be my response to flattery? why is it so hard to accept nice things to be true. yes, we DO deserve it :)

Jocelyn @ Peace.Love.Nutrition March 13, 2010 at 10:18 am

Love the post!! We all deserve happiness : )

Maggie March 28, 2010 at 8:45 am

You rock, girl :) Don’t know how I missed this post earlier.

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